I discovered my inner warrior girl at a young age.
Childhood traumas created a deep rooted belief that I was damaged, that I was different and not as good as everyone else. This belief led to years of bad relationships, poor choices and doing everything possible to destroy myself. By the grace of the universe, God, or whatever you may believe in, I was stronger than every obstacle I put in my path. I went over, under, through or around and finally realized that my past was not who I was, it didn’t have to define me. It was simply events that happened to me (or for me, depending on how you want to frame it).
Somewhere around my early 30’s, I began to find myself, love and appreciate myself, and fully open up to all the beauty and blessings in my life.
I got my life together, found an amazing man that I loved with all my heart and soul, and we started an amazing adventure together. It was beautiful, and wonderful. Never perfect, but always perfect for us. He woke something up in me that had been sleeping for most of my life. This part of my journey was cut short on January 28, 2013 when Andrew passed away from a massive brain tumor. This almost destroyed me. Everything I had overcome, all of my growth, my happiness and my love, it was gone. forever. What the fuck do I do now??
After a year of mourning, avoiding, and trying to convince myself that I was “fine” I realized that there was so much more inside of me.
This could not possibly be what I had fought to hard for. I made a decision. I had no idea what this decision actually meant at the time, but I knew it was time to step forward and get real. And so I took that first small step, and it was the greatest decision I ever made. One of my survival skills was compartmentalizing events in my life that I didn’t want to deal with. You put them in a pretty box, tie a nice bow and put it on the shelf and pretend it didn’t happen. I had come to the realization that this was a temporary solution at best, and I could no loner avoid the inevitable. I took out each of the boxes, carefully untied the bows and looked inside. Box by box, I dealt with what was inside. I got real with myself for the first time ever, and it was life changing. When we step in and deal with our shit, our shit no longer owns us. When you face it, you take away its power. I learned that you can’t run from yourself and no one is going to do this work for you. I’ve spent countless hours processing, allowing, releasing, forgiving, accepting and loving. That last one was the key, what brought all of this together. I learned to really love myself, all of me, not just the sparkly parts, but the dark, scary corners too. I still reflect sometimes on how far I’ve come and how crazy my journey has been. I survived things that no one should have to endure, and I have the cracks and the scars to show for it. I’m no longer ashamed of my scars or my past, who I was or where I came from. It’s made me who I am today, and for the first time ever, I really like who I’m becoming.
Today, I see light and brilliance where I once saw anger and fear. I feel gratitude, not resentment.
I’ve forgiven others, and mostly myself. I’ve worked hard to get here, and I’ve learned quite a bit on this journey. I spent so many years being closed off and shut down and terrified to let anyone in. I finally realized that my happiness was found when I decided to be brave and open up and be vulnerable. When I did this I realized that what I had been seeking was always inside of me, I just had to find it. My bravery, my voice, my courage, my inner lion, it had been there all along. And now that I’ve found it, I want to share it. I’ve seen my story touch and inspire others, and I’m honored and grateful for that. I believe that we are all unique and beautiful and have a special set of gifts to share with the universe. I think we owe it to ourselves, and each other to share these gifts and what we’ve learned in our journey. We all have a story that plays in our head about who we think we are and what we deserve. I challenge you to look at these thoughts. Ask yourself if they are really true. Do they work for you? Are they empowering you or holding you back? How would it feel to change that story? (Really think about this.) The truth about our stories, is that we are the author. We have the power to change the story any time we want. It’s your story, and you alone own it and have power over it. It’s time to take that power and become everything that you want to be. Own who you are, be who you want to be. It’s not going to be easy, but I promise you, it will be worth it.
Thank you for stopping by, I’m honored to have you here. I hope that something here touched you, inspired you or just made you smile. One last thought: You stand in your own light… Make it Shine!!!